Alright, so lately I've been thinking. I'm an asshole, I'm stubborn and I know I've caused pain and misery, despite being 17 years old. Anyways, onward to the journal.

I really wanted to type this on my Facebook but I know I'll get some messed up answers from family members and so on. Anyways, I'll split this up into sections.

So I realize I've been an asshole. When people want me to listen or want me to serious and I'm not serious, I basically turn into an asshole. When someone asks me to do something half the time I'll be an asshole and say no, I don't get why I do that but I do.

As for being stubborn, what is there to say. I'm just stubborn half the time. I can't really explain this further.

I've basically caused emotional/mental pain and misery to people by being an asshole. I put too much stress on my parents to give me a ride to work, borrowing money which I never do pay off because I suck with money management, and so on.

I've caused myself and others emotional pain. For example I caused myself emotional pain with this by telling that girl I liked her even when I knew it wouldn't work out (which is true, she turned me down). Apparently I made her cry too from this really sappy message I sent her on facebook. :'( I really hate myself for that.

Well, I have more to cry and bitch about. I'm a hopeless lover. I mean, I still love that girl I failed to get with. I know, sounds retarded and dumb but hey :'( I really do love her. In the famous words of Queen, "I really love youuuuu".

Now, I'm thinking why I can't really get a girl. Below are the reasons.

I am no where near attractive too be honest. I have a mole on my left cheek which I can't do much about because I don't have the time to get rid of it. I'm slightly overweight. I am getting a gym membership to try and lose some weight, and that's about it on the attractiveness part.

I don't like going out. I don't like hanging out with my friends. I really don't know why. I guess it's because the friends I have up here I don't have too much in common with them? This town sucks, I find it boring also, so I know if I go out I'll end up buying a ton of crap I'll never need. I literally do spend most of my time on the computer, and that bugs the fuck out of me, but I can't find much else to do in this town.

I'm a gamer. I don't know why but that bugs me. I've turned myself into a total nerd. I know random knowledge about games/technology that some people go woah to when I tell them (mostly at work). Oh well, I could try changing that but it wont do much. I know I wont be happy, I'm not emotionally happy right now either. I really just want to love someone (like that girl) and to be loved in return. Oh well :'(

Oh and I literally almost cried every time I mention that girl since I really do love her. I know if anything goes wrong with her or a guy mistreats her I will defend/help her, I'm stuck being a friend with her and nothing more.

Thanks for listening to me bitch, moan and cry. I'll try and make something, I really don't know though.